My Mother – Chapter Two of “THE LITTLE CHILD WITHIN US SUFFERS STILL”

So back to why I know my stepfather is dysfunctional. Besides his father being a selfish, loveless bastard my stepfather told my mother and I that he had a pet dog while they were living in the boxcar alongside the rail road tracks in West Fork and his father took his pet dog out and shot and killed it telling his son they couldn’t afford to feed it, they weren’t paying for food anyway, they were living on venison his father poached or that the train would hit and he would bring the dead deer home for the family to eat. My stepfather believed that his father only got rid of the dog to show him that he had the power to do so and to be cruel and I am inclined to believe this as all his father really needed to do since they lived in the woods in the middle of nowhere is not feed the dog instead of killing it and seeing if it could make its own way by killing rodents or whatever it could. Not only were they very poor but they didn’t practice birth control and there were five sons born to the asshole and his mentally deficient wife, not to mention a couple of children that didn’t make it according to my stepfather and I know it was the truth as this account was backed up by his oldest younger brother. My stepfather told me his mother used to spank his brothers and him until one day he realized that he was bigger and stronger than she was and he said he took the belt from her she was attempting to spank him with as a teenager and told her if she ever tried to spank him again he would use the belt on her. I don’t blame him and I have also wondered if there was any sexual abuse involved, though I never asked him since he had already sexually abused me and my sister by that time. It may explain his sexual issues and it may not and since I don’t ever plan on asking I don’t care if I know the reasons he did what he did to my sister and I, it was wrong and all I have to cling to for my sanity is to believe that he was so screwed p it was the only way he knew how to seek the attention he needed since apparently my emotionally frigid mother was also sexually frigid as well. I am not giving my stepfather any “get out of jail free” card for his actions but after having spent my childhood with a woman who didn’t know how to love anyone she was not a good mate for a man who was also emotionally stunted. I do not release either of them from the parts they played in creating the emotionally dysfunctional family they created but I am sure that that it played a part. But unlike my stepfather my mother was not raised in an abusive household which makes her dysfunction much more of a mystery to me than his. Her mother died of TB when she was six and her father went to live with his mother and work to support them so that she had a female influence in her life. According to my mother she felt very gipped by not having a mother to raise her and told my sister and I that her grandmother didn’t love her. I have no evidence to back this up either way as her grandmother was dead before I was born. I do know that my grandfather, her father, was the kindest and gentlest man you could ever meet. One of the few times my mother discussed sexual molestation by a parent, after I made her confront the fact that my stepfather was sexually molesting my sister and I, she told me that she used to want to sleep with her father and when she was a young teenager he told her that she couldn’t sleep in his bed with him anymore. Either she lied to me that he told her not to sleep with him anymore so that he wasn’t tempted to do something wrong or she was disappointed that he didn’t want her. I don’t know if it matters what the truth is but from the 30 years he was a part of my life he never did anything untoward to me, my sister or my mother and spent all of his money trying to make sure our family had everything they needed. Either I was really stupid, or blind, and I don’t think so because my stepfather molested us for all the years he did before my grandfather died and I never had my grandfather show me anything but kindness and support, just like he had always shown his daughter and my stepfather by helping them monetarily and physically by mowing the lawn and doing the gardening for his whole life. So I absolutely know that my stepfather had an incredibly screwed up life but my mother was well loved as far as I know and it leads me to wonder “what the hell happened to her to let her allow her children to be abused?”

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