REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS!

WHAT DO I MEAN BY REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS?

I believe everyone born has the right to expect to have parents who will love, nurture and try to satisfy their every reasonable needs as a baby, toddler and for their entire childhood or at least until they leave home at a reasonable age to make their own way in the world.  If a parent isn’t willing to do that then they shouldn’t be parents’.  A child has a reasonable expectation that they are conceived and brought into this world because they are wanted in the lives of those who conceived them and that they will be loved unconditionally for the most part, or at least from the time they are born until they leave home.  When I was young that age was around eighteen when a child moved out of their parents’ home, whether the child moved out to go to college or to work.  Why else would a person have a child if they didn’t want them and love them?  Why indeed.  Just look around at all the child abuse, direct abuse or abuse by neglect or some other form of abuse that are still abuse, none the less.  All children should be born into a loving home and yet so many aren’t in one or another, at least it seems like that to me.

My mother once told me she had children because she wanted them, she said it was because she wanted them so they could have a better childhood than she had.  If you had a bad childhood what would make you think you would be able to know how to provide a good childhood for someone else?  What kind of a reason is that to have a child anyway, it’s not like it will change what happened to you in your childhood that made you unhappy and what how could having a bad childhood possibly make you qualified to be a good parent if you don’t know what a good parent is, or at least didn’t think you did?  My mother chose to have children fathered by a man, a man who didn’t want children I was told when I questioned my mother as to why she had me, she told me that he didn’t want to have children because he had a hereditary neuropathic disease which is passed on to fifty percent of his (or her if the sexes had been reversed) children. It is a very disabling and painful disease which there is no cure for and only a couple of operations, of which I had two of at six years old and two more at sixteen, that can help people who have this disease’s quality of life. That is all that can be done for this disease. There is no cure for it except not to procreate, which is the right thing to do but obviously everyone leading up to my birth did not choose the right thing.  My mother remarried after she had these two children fathered by that man who had the disease of Charcot Marie Tooth, after he died in a plane wreck about a year after she was six month’s pregnant with her second child by him and her first child was about almost four years old. The eldest daughter inherited the disease and the youngest one didn’t, there is a fifty percent chance a child born to someone carrying the disease that they will inherit it, the fifty percent solution and I am the 50 %, lucky f***ing me.  That woman then let the man she remarried molest both of her daughters when they were young teenagers and that went on until the oldest of the two daughters, which would be me, went to our mother and demanded that she stop what was going on after the I was told by my younger sister that she was being molested the same way that the I, the oldest daughter, had already been for two years.  The mother’s solution was to put locking doors on her girl’s bedrooms so they could lock themselves in their bedrooms at night and to lock their stepfather out.  What kind of mother solves that problem that way? My mother is the kind of mother who did that.  No child deserves a mother like that.  No matter how well the children do in life it will not erase the damage done from having this failure of a mother as a mother.  I do not understand, and I am sure I never will, what the hell was wrong with this loser I had for a mother and I don’t see how I can ever forgive her for all the pain and suffering her daughters went through, and still go through.  There is no way to forgive a person who deliberately sets out to have children no matter what, only to ruin the supposedly loved and desired children’s lives by not loving them and then letting them be molested.  I wouldn’t do this to any being, animal or human, and cannot begin to fathom how anyone could.

I believe that I have the right to the reasonable expectation that a child is brought into this world to be loved and that I was failed terribly by this woman and nothing she could have ever told me after she let these horrible things happen to her children would have ever made what she did alright. But she never really addressed why she let us be molested, I suppose she probably didn’t want to face why she did but I find that no excuse whatsoever, just because she was a terribly screwed up human, and I am not sure I can even call her human, that she let this happen to her daughters is any excuse at all. I know her background, the “horrible” thing she thought happened to her was that her mother died of tuberculosis when she was six and was raised by her loving father, who didn’t ever molest her, and her father’s grandmother. She felt like she got gipped out of having a mother, well I feel like I got gipped out of having a mother and a father, at least her father was a very sweet and loving man and not a pervert. I wish I could save all the children in the world from terrible people who fail miserably at the most important thing they ever did in their life which was to have children.  They had children when they shouldn’t have for the all the wrong reasons and that sure doesn’t what they did anything close to being right. As good a person as I have become it will never be good enough to give my mother any credit for my having managed to live a good life.  I became a good person despite my mother and not because of her.  She sentenced me to a life of trying to overcome the mental abuse and physical abuse that was done to me.  I live alone, because the internal message I got was if you need a man so bad to take care of you that you will sacrifice your children and that you will do anything not to be alone is a very horrible decision and so I grew up vowing not to need anyone.  I decided that I never was going to need someone because of that, there is no way anyone should sacrifice their children the way my mother did and it totally blows my mind that she did what she did to her children. Unfortunately it really isn’t true that you don’t need humans in your life, I just don’t know how to do it as I fear needing anyone greater than I fear being alone.

I moved away from home at 17 and worked and supported myself for my entire life.  I never got married and I was never supported by anyone, man or woman.  There have been times I have wished that I had never been born but I certainly don’t want to die nor will I ever kill myself no matter how bad it gets.  My mother died out of guilt for having been one of the worst mother’s on this planet and as far as I am concerned she rightly deserved to feel that way about herself.  When my disease got worse for the first time since it first onset when I was around 3, I was 50 and had never asked for any monetary help from my mother for my whole life before that because I never wanted to need my mother for anything after she let my sister and I down so terribly as a mother.  But when I thought I was going to lose the place I had started buying, my very first very own place that I worked to buy all by myself for all of my life and I became disabled and couldn’t work a year after I started buying it and when I asked my mom and my stepfather to loan me enough money to make my mortgage payments while I waited for my disability insurance to come through they wouldn’t help me even though they had $300,000 in the bank and they weren’t using it.  They didn’t help me and it absolutely crushed me. It was the first time in my fifty years of life I ever asked my mother for help, I felt that expecting her to help me was a reasonable expectation. The fact that she wouldn’t made her an unacceptable life form on this planet. Period.

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