Part Of My Story….

The reason I want to share my story is that I hope by telling the things that I have survived that I can somehow inspire or help someone else who has had similar life experiences and is having trouble dealing with them to know that they are not alone.

Lots of people seem to imply that there is a “deep” reason for major events happening in their lives. I believe that everything happens for the same reason, the reason is that “things” just happen and we have very little control over them. Not “no” control but usually it isn’t any thing mystical, it is just that “life happens when you aren’t doing anything else”, so to speak. 🙂

I will never forget the time about 6 years ago when my mother and I were talking about some event that was going on at the time and she told me I was too positive. I was like “Huh” , how can you be too positive. She didn’t mean it like I had too optimistic or an unrealistic viewpoint on something, she literally meant she couldn’t understand my having an optimistic attitude on the outcome of the situation we were talking about. Of course this was coming from a person who assumed their dog was run over and dead if it was missing for 15 minutes, the glass was almost always empty I guess. I have always thought that you should think of the best outcome first and the worst last. It doesn’t make it so but it gives everything a whole lot better of a chance of happy outcome if that is what you expect. If you always expect the worst someday it will happen and if you always expect the best you will be happier more often I believe. You can’t be too positive!

I was born with what is now known to be the most common neuropathic disease there is, more common than MS, that no one has ever heard of. I was 3 years old when it did its initial damage to my body so I have never known anything different than having this disease. The major symptoms are that it makes the person with the disease, Charcot Marie Tooth, have very weak muscles in their hands and ankles which makes us very unstable on our feet and unable to climb things like jungle gyms when we are children which of course you no longer care about climbing as an adult. My sister was born without the disease, there is a 50 % chance that children born to those who have the disease will pass it on and there are 2 children in my family so we are the typical 50-50, and she grew up with my mother giving me more attention because she had to and it has made her into a person with many more psychological problems than me because as a child she didn’t know I got more attention because I was “screwed up” physically and thought it was because my mother liked me better. Obviously as an adult she knows better than that but the damage had already been done to her “psyche”. I have been able to live a much happier life than her, despite my physical challenges, because I had to be stronger to survive. I don’t know if it is necessarily a good thing that I am better able to deal with life than she is because of having been born with this disease but it certainly hasn’t made my life any harder than her life because of the inner strength I was forced to develop. I know that there are many people with more debilitating disabilities than I have and I can’t imagine having to deal with any more than I have had to so I applaud the strength of the human spirit in all of its forms.

 I was molested by my stepfather when I was about 13 and for about a year I believe, but I believe my mind has protected me somewhat by my not having an exact memory of exactly how long it occurred. I didn’t say anything to my mother during that time because I knew she had to know it was going on (out house was not very big and my bedroom was right next to my parent’s bedroom) and yet she didn’t do anything to stop it from happening. The only reason I eventually said something was when my sister, who is 3 years younger than me, told me he was doing the same things to her that he had been doing to me.  I have always been my sister’s protector, she was younger and needed my protection, emotionally if for no other reason. My mother didn’t even question whether or not her husband was guilty when I went to her and demanded she stop him from doing what he was doing to my “little sister”.  Her solution to this “problem” was to buy locking door handles for our bedrooms so we could lock ourselves in at night when we went to bed. How f***ed up is that? What I took away from that was that my mother was so afraid to be alone and of having to take care of herself that she would do anything to avoid it so I never have allowed myself to depend on a man to take care of me for anything. I do not dislike men at all, in fact I have had 3 boyfriends since I turned 18 (I dated a few men that did not become boyfriends) and they were all long term (first one for 3 years, second one for  5 years, and last one for over 10 years) but I do believe I never married any of them because of my inner fear of being like my mother. I don’t believe that my having the hereditary disease was detrimental at all to what I would call being “broken” as far as my inability to trust in someone in order to let them “really” be a part of my life. in fact  I think the disability I grew up dealing with gave me the strength I needed to deal with my stepfather molesting me better than what my sister as able to deal with.  She is not handicapped and I think that dealing with my disability for my whole life before my stepfather molested me gave me the mental strength to deal with it better than my sister because that was the biggest adversity she had ever confronted in her life because she was 12 when it happened to her and she didn’t have the early life hardships I had that made my being able to deal with the feelings that occurred from my stepfather molesting us better because I already had the experience of dealing with hard feelings to handle, whether you are a child or an adult, and the feelings of anger towards our mother who failed to protect us from him. My most negative thoughts about being molested by my stepfather are the thoughts I have about my mother staying with him and not confronting him about the horrible actions he took towards her daughters, and as I found out many years later, he had also committed the same acts to his “real” daughter he had with his first wife who was 10 years older than my sister and I who are his stepdaughters. I also found out that the ex-wife also never confronted him about molesting his own flesh and blood daughter just like my mother didn’t do so about his molesting his step daughters.   Through the years I have always wondered what was wrong with my mother that she allowed her husband to abuse her daughters and stay quiet about it for the most part until she died at 80, and she never left him.  I never forgot but have learned to let my anger mostly go as it accomplishes nothing.  The human spirit can overcome a lot, it is just so unfortunate that it should have to.

If you have experienced any of the type of things I have I just hope you have the strength to overcome them as there are a whole lot of good people in the world that would never do the “evil that some men do”.

Being positive and living a good life is the best thing you can do for yourself and do try to let go of the past as it does no good for you to hang on to it.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s